


Yours affectionately

by Chibiscuit



Series: Declaration of Codependence [3]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda, Historical RPF
Genre: Jeffers is not physically present, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 10:17:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8485531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibiscuit/pseuds/Chibiscuit
Summary: The issue on the table: Jefferson's letter. Or, more precisely, his newest request.He's used a myriad of excuses to decline before so why couldn't he bring himself to write one now?
Or, Madison has to come to terms with the possibility that he might've accidentally fallen in real friendship with Jefferson.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I had honestly thought I'd grow tired of thinking about Jeffers and Mads but apparently not. So, have another fic about their relation. This is sort of a counterpart to "Intimate with few" but they can be read separately. If I make more fics I might have to consider using the collection option...
> 
> ...but for now, I hope you enjoy this one!

The issue on the table: his reply to Jefferson’s letter. In essence, not a novelty, as he had received many a letter from Jefferson in the past. Their correspondence had been many-fold, sharing information about the political situation, or other tidbits, as well as a great many deal of requests to one-another. Some of them of a political nature, others more of the recreational variety. And then lastly, the ones of a much more personal nature. These came almost exclusively from Jefferson and for years Madison had handled them in much the same manner. Sometimes say yes, if the request was not too outrageous, and at other times, simply hold off the boat. Never say no, always say maybe later. Only, much more eloquently and delicately of course for Jefferson was a sensitive soul that needed to be handled with care. Either way, it had become routine business for Madison.

Or so he had hoped. But if that were so, then why was he having such difficulty answering this letter?

Madison stared at the pages before him. He’d already written more than he had originally planned to, severely delaying his other correspondences. Eventually, he’d set the letter aside and dealt with the rest first. Matters of state, family relations, matters of business, all of it important. All of it done with much too soon. And so he had come back to his reply to Jefferson. Dolley had told him the man who had agreed to carry his letter to Monticello would be leaving soon, but Madison had not been done yet and had sent him ahead empty-handed. That had been an hour ago. He hadn’t written a single word since.

He idly twirled the feather around as he sat at his desk, staring at his letter, wondering if perhaps there was something else he could write about still. Some political matter perhaps? No, he’d covered any and all new developments… some rumours or gossip then? No, also out of the question. Already, more than half his current letter was in cypher, telling Jefferson of the coming and goings of friends and rivals alike. Much more than usual. Considering the amount of gossip they usually exchanged that is saying something… For a moment, Madison pondered whether his flood of gossip would seem suspicious to his friend, but he quickly discarded the thought. Jefferson would never think _him_ suspicious anyway. Perhaps he should change it entirely to cypher… that would certainly take a long while… He glanced at the books cluttering the other end of his desk. Perhaps if he wrote about them some more? No, no, he’d already described the experiment he’d done using the book Jefferson had provided him from Paris (how long ago was that? He couldn’t quite remember) in such excruciating detail that the other must feel like he had actually witnessed it first-hand upon reading it.

Madison let out a long deep breath which ended in a cough. Was he ill? No, just one cough, he was still fine,  but best not to take any chances. He got up from behind his desk, noting how dark it had gotten. He could hardly see a thing, the only light source being a single candle on his desk which was flickering just bright enough to illuminate his writing space. He frowned. That wouldn’t do. He couldn’t go around ruining his eyesight. He hadn’t found a method to strengthen his eyes yet as he had his body. If there even was a way. Maybe he should write about that?

“No.” He noticed he was pacing and abruptly stopped. Running a hand through his hair, he let out groan. Wonderful. Now he was making up excuses to tell _himself_ , just so he didn’t need to write an answer to Jefferson’s request. Stalling, that’s all he was doing, stalling, evading the inevitable because it _was_ inevitable. Not answering was not an option. That would not be favourable to his relation with Jefferson, though he doubted it would do too much damage, for that they’d gone too far- or rather, Jefferson was too far gone- but still Madison was not taking any chances. He wasn’t going to slip up now. That reply needed to be written; that letter needed to be send. No matter what.

The lone candle on his desk dimmed a bit more, casting the room in an even thicker darkness. Right. Light. He was going to get some extra light to protect his eyes. Recalling he didn’t have any spare candles in his room -he really should remember to restock them- he headed out the door and made his way to the living room which he found well-illuminated. Dolley sat in one of the big chairs, sipping some tea and reading a book.

“You’re still awake?” Madison noted surprised as he stopped next to her. She didn’t look up as she replied, “As are you, it would seem.”

“Yes, I was just finishing up but I need some extra candles.” He explained as he looked around to choose one. There were so many, she would be able to miss one or two.

“Hm-hm.” Dolley hummed in response before glancing away from her book at her husband, “Is that the same letter you were finishing up two hours ago, then?”

Madison halted his motion to pick up one of the candles and locked eyes with Dolley. She smiled slightly, _knowingly_. He let out a long sigh as he slouched over the chair opposite hers and dropped into it. “Yes.”

“The one for Jefferson.” It wasn’t even a question. She simply knew. Madison nodded anyway, “Yes, the one for Jefferson.”

“So, what’s the problem? Ran out of excuses?” She idly flipped a page and continued reading. Or pretending to read. Madison couldn’t really tell. He didn’t reply. Excuses, that was it alright. Excuses. He’d used so many in the past he was beginning to lose track of which ones he’d already used. Perhaps he’d used the same one twice before but if so Jefferson had never drawn his attention to it. Of course not. He wouldn’t do that. Not to him at least.

Another few minutes passed in silence. Another page was turned. “Why don’t you just take him up on his offer?”

“I can’t.” Madison didn’t question how Dolley knew what Jefferson had written in his letter. That part she could most likely guess. It was usually something along similar lines anyway and he had told her of his past requests.

 She briefly looked away from her reading, “Did he ask you to come live with him again?” There was amusement in her voice, as if she thought the whole situation funny. Madison gave her a flat look before replying, “He invited us to stay with him at Monticello for a few weeks.”

Having voiced the request out loud, Madison realized how tame it sounded compared to some of his earlier ones. Dolley raised an eyebrow at her husband, “You mean, _you_.”

“What?” Madison blinked confused at her response.

“He invited _you_ to stay a few weeks with him.”

“No, the letter clearly included you as well.”

“Jemmy, don’t play dumb.” She answered, “You know very well he was merely being polite to include me.”

“Not necessarily.” Though Madison could see why she’d think that. Oh, he was well aware that Jefferson mainly wanted him to visit and spend time with but it hadn’t been mere politeness. “He’s quite fond of you.” The fact that Dolley upheld a French style of dress and make-up probably only added to that.

She smiled, “That’s nice to hear. But either way, this is about you, not me. And considering the rather simple nature of the request, I repeat, why not just go? A little time off would do you good.”

“I can’t.”

“Sure you can. There are political matters you need to discuss anyway so you’ll be meeting him regardless. Why not stay a few days? Whether you return immediately to work here or remain to work _and_ relax there; it matters little.”

“I can’t because it _does_ matter.” Madison replied, rubbing his tired eyes. He felt exhausted all of a sudden. When had this become so complicated? Why couldn’t he simply handle this the way he’d always handled it? “It matters to him. You know how he feels about me.”

“He feels exactly what you wanted him to feel.” Madison’s head snapped up at those words. Dolley gazed at him, not breaking eye contact, her eyes, impossibly so, were both soft yet commanding. It made Madison nervous, even slightly guilty, like he’d just been caught committing a grave crime.

“Has it occurred to you that I might just not want to go?” Madison retorted, opting to ignore Dolley’s remark. It hit too close to home for comfort.

“Hogwash. You enjoy his company and most of all those days you spend together in his library.”

“I still can’t go.” He let out a small cough, “I think I mi-“

“You’re not ill, _James_.” Dolley cut in sharply, making Madison flinch. “And neither am I. Nor do I mind that you stay a few days, or that I would have to come with, or not. I don’t mind any of it.”

“Dolley… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t use you as an excuse.”

Dolley snorted, “It wouldn’t be the first time.” That was true. Since his marriage she had actually been the centre of the majority of his reasons not to oblige Jefferson. Some of them were so far-fetched and ridiculous he wondered how Jefferson still took them in stride. And yet, he still didn’t give up, didn’t stop asking, didn’t stop wanting him near. Madison had indeed wanted Jefferson to trust him, to rely on him, but this degree of devotion… It baffled him. Overwhelmed him.

“Jemmy, I don’t mind covering for you. We promised to support each other, no matter what, and I intend to stand by that vow. However, I know you want to go and the sooner you accept that as well, the better.” Madison opened his mouth to reply but before he could Dolley continued, “And if you say ‘I can’t’ one more time, I swear, I will throw this book at you.” Madison promptly shut his mouth again. “Are you that afraid that he’ll finally give in and you’ll reap what you sow?”

“He wouldn’t do that.” Madison replied. “He wouldn’t risk it. His public image is much too important to him. If word got out, if rumours were started, he’d lose it all.” But above all, Jefferson would never risk their friendship, never take any step that might endanger it, not even the slightest bit. Madison knew how insecure Jefferson was deep down. How much he needed to be reassured that Madison still cared for him. The man was hopelessly sentimental like that. Any action that could cause Madison to be repulsed was one Jefferson was not willing to risk. Madison was certain of this. At this point, he guessed it was all that was refraining him from acting.

“There’s no problem then. If it doesn’t matter to you then why not indulge him? I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.”

“I can’t give him what he really wants.”

“Perhaps not.” Dolley closed her book and stood up. “Or perhaps you can. You don’t really know until you’ve tried, now do you? After all, what he truly wants might be much simpler than you imagine it to be.” She walked over to the bookcase and carefully put the book back where it belonged. “However, this isn’t a matter of can or can’t. The real question is whether you want to or not.”

Madison swallowed hard. It was uncanny how well Dolley could read him but then again the fact that she understood him so utterly was part of the reason he loved her. There really was no other woman he could ever imagine to have as his wife. But the fact that she understood and accepted it all might be a nice comfort, it still meant nothing in the grand scheme of politics and social relations. So, in this case, she was wrong. It _was_ a matter of can or can’t. Whether he wanted to or not only determined how difficult it was to handle. He sighed. It sure had become difficult lately…

“I can just see from that stubborn look on your face that you still won’t admit it.” She sighed. Madison didn’t reply, it wouldn’t change a thing, want or not, just the fact that he was considering it was confession enough. Things had become much, much more complicated. Excuses were so much more difficult to devise when you actually cared about the other’s _feelings_. (and Jefferson definitely had many of those…) This had never been part of his plan. It was all supposed to stay simple and easy. Like his relation to Hamilton had been, loosely established, easily broken, no regrets. Madison didn’t miss him for even a second.

If he were to break all connection with Jefferson however, he couldn’t say for certain that would be the case as well. No, worse, he was sure he would miss him. He even missed him right now. And that was the problem. The real problem. He’d become attached to his friend and part of him hated himself for it. He hated that Dolley was right, that he did want to spend time with Jefferson. That he could easily do so. That rumours could start even without factual backing so his earlier point was mute. That he knew neither he nor Jefferson would be foolish enough to get caught doing something rumour-worthy. That, in essence, whether he did admit all this out loud or not, nothing much would change. It hadn’t been his intention to grow so close to Jefferson but, regardless, somehow he had and for Madison, that was enough- too much even-, but he knew that for Jefferson it wasn’t -not nearly enough even.

_Feelings_. He never liked them, tried to avoid them, especially if they threatened to become a liability, but now that they had caught up to him, he couldn’t keep ignoring them either.

And so he bid Dolley a good night, took two candles and returned to his study to finally really finish up that letter. No more excuses, no more stalling, he would deal with this issue. Determined, he took up his feather, thought for a few more moments to decide the exact sentences he’d use, before putting pen to paper and wrote—

_As you are aware I will be joining you at Monticello at the 4 th, if the travelling is good, & at the latest the 9th, for further discussion on our plan. I will after that time accept your gracious offer & protract my stay at your home for an additional number of days, as my condition permits it. I regret to inform you that Mrs. Madison will be unable to make the trip as she has matters of great importance to attend to at home. She sends her kindest regards & begs your understanding of her absence. _

_This letter has gone on long enough so allow me to end it here. I look forward to the pleasure of debating its various topics, & others, in detail when we meet. If any circumstances of delay should occur, I will send forth a missive forthwith. Until then, as always, be rest assured of my continued friendship & devotion._

_Yours affectionately,_

_J. Madison_

**Author's Note:**

> I have no clue how Dolley is supposed to be pronounced but in my mind I constantly read it as doily and I can't help but laugh every time.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading & I hope you enjoyed it!  
> (Let me know what you think, if you want, or if you have questions/suggestions!)


End file.
